Giraffe Birthday Banner Card

This card was made using the Cricut cartridge Creative Everyday Cards. The original design as shown on the cartridge is a love-themed card consisting of two giraffes facing each other with a heart in between. Since this was a birthday card for my sister, I changed it up a bit by giving the giraffes a little space and having them "hold" a banner between them.

Thanks for stopping by!

Path to Everything

I hesitate to write this because my personal posts have caused turmoil in the past. And I don't need, or want, any more turmoil in my life. But it's been so long since I posted anything, I doubt my blog is on anybody's radar anymore.

Safe space.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism last week. Actually, I was diagnosed over five years ago, but I stopped taking my medication after a few months (for a variety of reasons), and the medical practice lost my records when they converted to a new computer program shortly thereafter, so we'll call it a "new" diagnosis.

Honestly, my "suspecting" this diagnosis is the only reason I dragged myself back to see my doctor. I have this dream that a magic pill will solve all my problems: overwhelming exhaustion, overwhelming depression, near blindness, inability to lose weight, excessively dry skin, etc.

That's a lot to ask of one tiny pill.

God is the only reason I've made it this far. There is no other explanation. Most days I can barely function (although I always manage to do what needs to be done). Many days I have no will to live (but I always hang on because there are people who count on me).

It's been brutal.

But the depression---that's the killer.  Life can be difficult enough. Life raising kids without a support system--and trying to do it right (which is the hard way)---isn't the best place for someone suffering from long-term depression. Stress exacerbates everything to the Nth degree. And if you don't already know, I'm going to let you in on a little secret---kids create stress levels you can't begin to imagine while you're still child-free and innocent. Teenagers can be deadly. Being called "crazy" as a thank-you for giving up the best years of your life to raise your granddaughters doesn't help anything. (And it isn't just the teenagers saying it.) To misquote Carrie Heffernan from an episode of The King of Queens, "I'm hearing 'You're crazy', when I should be hearing, 'I'm sorry.'"

Low self-esteem, low energy levels, low thyroid function---no wonder I feel so, well...low.

But not everything is low. I now have hypertension. Two teenage girls to raise=high blood pressure. And as mentioned above, being called "crazy" by everybody who doesn't get what they want or who pushes my buttons repeatedly until I snap (picture someone in a hurry on an elevator pressing the button over, and over, and over...), well, the elevator isn't the only thing going up.

Surprise! Now the crazy lady might just explode. Literally.

So here we go down this path to wellness...again. Can a tiny white pill really fix this? Do I really care? Does anybody?

I've done all I can do. Now it's up to a little bitty pill. And a great big God.

Spooky Halloween Card

This graveyard-themed card was made for my teenage grand/daughters last Halloween. I cut the graveyard scene and the bat from the Cricut cartridge Happy Hauntings.  The bat was mounted on a spring to allow him to "wobble". The background was embossed with a folder from the Cricut Happy Hauntings set, which coordinates with the cartridge.  To dress up the inside of the card, I cut a border of ghosts from a Martha Stewart punch.

As I was reviewing my photos, I discovered an extra-spooky character had photobombed this picture (and evidently cast a spell over my camera rendering it incapable of focusing):

Thanks for stopping by! (To my readers, not my photobombing "guest".)

Elmo Halloween Card

This is the card I made last Halloween for my two youngest grandchildren. I figured it was my last chance to use this cute Ghost Elmo cut from the Cricut cartridge Elmo & Friends Holiday before the kids got too old to appreciate him.

I placed Elmo inside the card on a hidden spring so he could "wobble". I cut through the front of the card to create a window; the window frame is from the Cricut cartridge October 31st. I added a piece of acetate between the window layers, and stamped a small spider on the acetate just below the top left corner (top right if viewing from inside) using StazOn ink.

And finally, inside I stamped and heat embossed the "Happy Halloween" sentiment.

Thanks for visiting!

Reality vs. Fantasy

Dropping our oldest grand/daughter off at college last week had an unexpected effect on me...

I'm sad.

My husband and I never thought we'd be spending "our time" raising our grandchildren. We had planned and worked hard so that by our mid-forties, when our youngest daughter would be entering college, we could finally relax a little and be done with child raising.

That was a very long time ago. And it didn't happen.

Before we reached our fifties, what had started as us caring for our granddaughters part-time had turned into us being their full-time parents. Instead of my husband slowing down his workload with the goal of semi-retirement by his mid-fifties, he found it necessary to work additional hours and occasional part-time jobs to help make ends meet. After all, children can be quite expensive.

But the biggest toll on me, and the primary reason I didn't look forward to raising children into my sixties, was emotional. Children are often a source of anxiety and stress in our lives.

I love my grand/daughters with all my heart and soul. They are my children. And I worry about their health, happiness, safety, future, and in every other way possible.

It is draining. 

And I was drained before I started.

My husband and I thought that the beginning of the "college years" (part 2) would signal the beginning of our golden years. We have both worked hard to stay healthy and maintain our strength and balance as we get older so we can enjoy all the things we should have had time and money to do years earlier.

But now, with the realities of sending a beloved child out into the adult world, we are starting to wonder if we're ready to let go. Raising a teenager brings worry during the hours they are out running around. Once they're home, we can calm down and relax a little (until the next day when they do it all over again!)

When they're old enough to move out into the big-wide-world and are no longer safe and sound in their own rooms under our watchful eyes, the worry becomes a 24/7/365 event. And what I was really in need of was a little peace of mind and a sigh of relief.

Why did I not realize where this was headed??? After all, I had already sent another child off to college years ago...and much farther from home.

I think that back then, because our family had been in utter chaos for several years, we felt we were sending our youngest daughter out to a better, more peaceful place. And we were already caring for our two grand/daughters, so we couldn't really see an empty nest looming on the horizon.

We were very busy. And a little naive.

But here we are during a time of relative stability, and the reality of watching our grand/daughters fly from the safety of our nest and navigate the world without us is terrifying. And a little lonely.

It isn't at all what I expected.

Changes

For my family, this is Milestone Week.

My oldest grand/daughter started college today. And turned 18. What a difference a day makes!

On Wednesday, her younger sister goes to high school orientation. How is this even possible???

I'm reeling. As much as I've fantasized that my husband and I might actually live long enough to have time alone to enjoy as a couple, the reality is a little more bittersweet.

I'm not ready to let go!

Settling into dorm life (with help from little sis)

Exposure

My teenage grand/daughter knocked on the door while I was taking a bath. "Come in", I said without hesitation.

Yes, after 38 years of bath-time interruptions, it no longer occurs to me that I should attempt to maintain a shred of dignity.

So on the topic of parental exposure, let me say that I think every parent should write an autobiography. It isn't that I think our dirty little secrets should all be out in the open, but rather I believe it's important that all children understand that their parents had lives before they had them.

I'm not a psychologist (although I play one at home), so I can't say for sure why children hold their parents to an unattainable standard of perfection. We must be 100% fair at all times. We shouldn't have feelings of our very own. We can't be swayed by prior acts, whether committed by that particular child or someone else.

We are supposed to be robots.

I'm not a robot. I'm a real person, raised by real parents, with real siblings, judged by real people, dealing with real problems...all while living in the real world. It ain't easy, folks. And kids need to know that everything that happened in our lives prior to this very moment affect who we are and how we react to every situation.

Some day I'll write my book. Maybe by then the kids will have gained enough maturity to understand.

Until then, children, take note: It's not all about you.

Simple Thank You Card...plus a story

This card was made from the Cricut cartridge Simple Cards. And it was just that---simple.

I had made several of these for my grand/daughter to send after graduation. I didn't take any pictures because I hadn't done any real "creating" other than choosing paper, and I hadn't planned to post to my blog. Until one card came back to me in my mail...

The story behind the card can be found on "Blessings Before Breakfast" (shameless rerouting to my new blog)

Difficult Choices

I guess it's time for another pity party.

(I've noticed that it's really hard to get others to attend my pity parties. But I'm throwing one anyway.)

First, let me say I'm so very grateful for everything God has provided. And I try with every fiber of my being to be content and to trust God to take care of my family and me. But every single day I take on a new burden or two (or three). And this old lady has reached total burnout.

Yesterday my oldest grand/daughter's car broke down on the side of the road. (She wasn't where she was supposed to be, but that's one of those "burdens" I'll have to save for another time; I can't handle them all in one day, even though my procrastination is leading to serious backlog issues.) The repair bill for today was just under $500. But of course, there's more work that needs to be done soon. (Thank goodness I have that "procrastination" bin--I'll worry about those repairs later, too.)

Today my younger grand/daughter learned that a spot had opened up on our church's youth retreat and there's now room for her to go. Why on earth a church thinks every family has $500 to spend for their child to do a week's worth of charitable work is beyond me, but again, that's a discussion for another time.

So in less than 24 hours, my husband and I have been hit with another $1000+ in expenses. He's doing all he can to support the family, so the only option left to improve our family's finances would be for me to go back to work.

I don't know that there's much of a market for a woman nearing the age of 60 who hasn't worked in nearly two decades, and who had limited skills (and energy) way back then. It's only gotten worse in the ensuing years. I have no healthy body parts left, so selling them is out of the question. I guess I could consider exotic dancing, but I think the only way anybody would pay to watch me swing from a pole is if I'm part of the primate exhibit at the zoo.

Choices, choices.

And if you're still here, thank you for attending. I'll try to put together party favors at a later date.

Baby Girl Card

This simple card was made using the Cricut cartridge Baby Steps. And by "simple" I mean there was no designing involved other than choosing which paper to use. The images on this cartridge are some of my favorites because they really don't need anything fancy to turn them into adorable elements for cards or scrapbook layouts.

Thanks for visiting!

Diversification

I started this blog to share my crafty endeavors, but since those are extremely rare it quickly became a pity-party venue. I decided I needed a new untainted place to write about the good things in life.

My new blog can be found here: Blessings Before Breakfast. God continues to bless me in spite of myself, and I want to share those experiences in hopes that they might uplift someone else. I would love to have you visit me in my "new location".

This blog will still be here. After all, I have children, a husband, and bills to pay. There will be no shortage of drama that needs to be told.

And once in a while I might even make something.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the men who provide love and support to the children who depend on them. And may God shine down on my wonderful husband today and always! (More about that here.)

Strong Enough

How do you get through another day when you desperately need a break that isn't coming?

I don't know. I just don't know.

But I don't need to have all the answers. I have God. He's carried me this far and promises to be with me always.

And that's enough for me.

New Beginnings

I started a new blog so I could write uplifting words that would hopefully inspire others.

I'm not there yet.

Today I crave a fresh start. Desperately. It isn't that I don't have faith in God and the fact that He is, and always has been, in control. The problem is that I live in a world filled with sinful, selfish people. And God never promised us an easy life under these circumstances.  All He promised was an eternity with Him in Heaven if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior.

I'm not sure I can wait much longer.

Life is filled with hardships. This isn't a foreign concept to me. But what I'm having trouble dealing with is others who inflict their selfish choices on me, causing me unnecessary stress and struggles.

Can't anyone around me grow up and do what's right???

I'm not a control freak, as I've been accused of being. I'm just a mom/grandmom who is sick and tired of dealing with selfishness and stupidity. I'm exhausted from struggling for decades to work hard and do the right thing so I can finally reach my goals in life, only to have those around me live for instant gratification, then dump the consequences of their selfish choices on top of my well-laid plans. And usually the thanks I get for picking up the pieces is to be told it's all my fault anyway.

In four years, when I'm well into my sixties, the youngest grand/child will turn eighteen. I love my children and grandchildren, but when I'm no longer legally responsible for any of them I will have no qualms with saying a hearty "Goodbye!" to anyone who tries to point the finger at me as the cause of their problems. I did the best I could for those who were entrusted to me, but God gave every last one of us free will and I can't be expected to deal with the fallout from everyone who exercised theirs. Believe it or not, I've never been a "control freak" and I couldn't be in control of the entire world even if I were.

Grow up and do what's right, or bear the burden of your own consequences. I can't fix you and I refuse to go down trying.

Butterfly Birthday Card

I really need to find some energy to get back to crafting instead of trotting out projects from the distant past, if for no other reason than that my aging brain can't remember any details beyond 30 seconds ago. But here's what I've pieced together:

The white background was embossed with a Darice folder, which is appropriately named Butterflies in Corner. I cut a few butterflies in various sizes from pastel cardstock using my Cricut Explore and the Disney - Hannah Montana cartridge, then layered them in sets of two on top of the embossed butterflies to add dimension and color. Looking at the photo, I think I also detect a little glitter glue on the butterfly bodies.  I finished by stamping the sentiment in the open space of the white cardstock (rather poorly, but it was a one-shot deal and it is what it is).

Thanks for visiting!

My Day in #hashtags

#morningworship   #perfectweather   #allergies   #recoverynap   #pizzafordinner
#nothingontv   #bored   #hashtagssolvenothing   #isitbedtimeyet   #hashtaghangover

Simple Cricut Birthday Card

I haven't blogged in over a month. So sad.

This card was made from the Cricut cartridge Simple Everyday Cards. To dress it up just a little I chose a metallic paper to back the sentiment.

Nothing fancy. But that's to be expected when the word "simple" is right there in the title.

Thanks for visiting!

God's Grace in the Midst of My "Crazy"

The last few days have been unbearable for me. I am still here only by the neverending grace of God.

I can't begin to explain the heartache that has brought me to these depths of despair. Even my husband, who knows almost as much about me as God does, hasn't been able to comprehend why I've reached this point. Of course he has endless amounts of self-esteem, and what little I had accumulated has been stomped into bits. And he handles life with kids much more nonchalantly than me; I believe in setting rules and enforcing them, not so much for the rules themselves but for the discipline I'm teaching the children, and he more often bends the rules (or outright overrides them). Needless to say, I'm not popular around here, and the kids know my weaknesses and how to use them to beat down what's left of me.

I was recently called "crazy" again, not for my usual angry outbursts due to frustration, but for simply telling a child she couldn't start watching a movie at nearly 11 p.m.  I even used my calm "inside" voice, but she expected a reason---one that "made sense" to her--- and she wasn't giving up until she got one. That was never going to happen, so I walked outside to avoid further conflict. Then I heard her pull out the weapon that always hits the target---call the tired old lady "crazy".

But that wasn't the most painful part of the story. What hurt most was not hearing my husband defend me. Or if he couldn't in good-conscience argue that I'm not actually crazy, at least demand the children not speak so disrespectfully of their insane grandma.

But he didn't do any of that. And to my knowledge he never has. And that hurts more than anything.

I gave up my life to raise these girls, and every day I make sacrifices for them. I love them and would gladly do whatever necessary to give them the best life possible. But I can't deal with thoughtless, hurtful comments that dig into the scars I already have. And I'm finding it increasingly difficult to live in a house where I'm treated as the enemy by the other inhabitants. The best I can hope for are the "good" days when they want something from me and elevate me to servant status.

God is my only friend right now. I'm learning to be okay with that. He might not always give me what I want or tell me what I want to hear, but I also know He only wants what's best for me. And He's always available when I need to talk (which is almost every waking moment of every day).

Thanks for reading the ramblings of a crazy old lady. Gotta go now. My Friend is waiting to hear from me.

The Finish Line

The Apostle Paul often referred to running a race as a metaphor for the work he was doing, and since he is a favorite of mine, I'll do the same.

I've been running a marathon for most of my life with no cheering fans on the sidelines to encourage me, and no opportunities to rest.. I should be nearing the finish line, but I don't think I can go any further. I've been kicked and trampled so many times along the way, but I've always picked myself up and moved forward.

Until now. All I want to do now is close my eyes, drown out the noise all around me, and give in to exhaustion. Life as I know it isn't allowing me the peace and renewal I so desperately need.

I've been hanging on to the hope that I must be nearing the end of the race, and sweet relief is right around the next corner. But I'm beginning to doubt that there really is a finish line. Maybe I've been running in circles, or trapped on a hamster wheel.  I just know I can't possibly keep going with the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one waiting to congratulate me at the end. If there even is one.

Birthday Shaker Card

I don't get creative ideas very often, and when I do, they often go wrong in every way possible. This card was no exception.

Shaker cards have become a favorite of mine. For this card I wanted to try something I hadn't done before.  I thought it would be fun to have a window that was open to the inside of the card, and I wanted to try coloring a stamped image with Distress Markers.

I used a Nestabilities die to create matching openings in the card base, the card front and an inner liner. I also used the same die, along with the next size up in the Nestabilities set, to create a frame for the window front.  I cut two pieces of acetate for the window and used fun foam to create the space between them to allow room for the sequins.

For the inside of the card I cut a piece of watercolor paper slightly smaller than the folded base, stamped a cute birthday image in black StazOn ink so that it would be visible through the window, and colored it in with Tim Holtz Distress Markers.

It took three attempts to get a passable project completed, and I learned a few things along the way: The scalloped openings were difficult to line up, so I'll use plain circles if I ever try this again; cheap fun foam likes to stretch out of shape when it's run through a die-cutting machine; and I don't possess the skill it takes to create beautiful watercolor images.  But it was fun (well, eventually) and I was able to make a one-of-a-kind card for someone I love.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tear Strips and Other Life Lessons for Children Everywhere

I hate Costco.

That's not true.  I love Costco.  I hate Costco-sized products. No, that's not true, either.

I hate storing Costco-sized products with children in the house.

For starters, children think: Supersized Boxes of Snacks = All-I-Can-Eat-When-You-Aren't-Looking.

And if the box is unopened? It should be perfectly acceptable to pull off the tear strip and throw it on the ground.

I'm old and tired and sick of bending down to pick up your trash.  I'm sick of going downstairs to the freezer or storage area to "open" a new box of Whatever and finding it near-empty. I'm sick of picking up the tear strip you threw down when you ripped open the box or bag without asking.  I'm even more sick of finding an empty box.

How freaking hard is it to carry the box to the trash????!!!!

Oh, I get it.  If I catch you carrying the empty box upstairs to the trashcan, I might "yell" at you for eating an entire box of Whatever.

You're darned straight I'll yell at you.  You don't like getting yelled at? STOP DOING WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T DO!!!!!!!

Simple.  At least that's what we rational, mature people think.

If I yell at you for eating an entire box of cookies for the umpteenth time and you don't like it...stop eating an entire box of cookies!

If I yell at you for leaving your trash behind for me to pick up and carry away...stop leaving your trash behind!

If you get tired of me "reminding" you to clean your room/do your chores/pick up your clean clothes I lovingly washed, dried and folded/etc., etc., etc....stop waiting for me to tell you what you already know you need to do!!!

I've been called a lot of names in my 38 years of child raising.  A LOT of unpleasant names.  Mostly for simply doing what a responsible mother should be doing...teaching, correcting, reminding, cajoling, punishing, and yes, sometimes even yelling if that's what it takes to get your attention.

You don't like my yelling???  Do what's right. Do what you've been told to do a trillion times before. Believe it or not, I don't like yelling.

In short, if you don't like the way I treat you, look at your own actions before criticizing mine.

Are you listening yet?

Resignation--part 2

Today was a special kind of hell on earth. Decades of trying to raise children to be responsible, thoughtful, kind human beings, against their will, has finally taken me down.

Parenting is difficult under the best of circumstances. My circumstances are less than ideal. I'm completely burned out after four decades of constant child rearing (two of those filled with the added burden of being told I'm to blame for everything wrong in the world). My husband and I agree on only one thing---our hopes and dreams for our granddaughters. We differ greatly on what we think it takes to get them there. And there are outside influences that go beyond the usual things parents are forced to deal with. I'm not sure we're getting anywhere. Or at least nowhere I want to go.

So I'm faced with this choice: Continue the struggle for another five+ years with the hope that in the end the kids turn out okay, and when the hardest part is over (parenting never really ends), if we're lucky and we live that long, maybe my husband and I can find our way back to each other. Or do I give in to defeat, knowing I gave all I had to give but it was never going to be enough?

The kids already hate me. My husband is getting there. And I'm tired. So very tired.

Is this all there is? Being mocked, laughed at, disrespected and judged incessantly by the children I sacrificed my best years to raise? And all because instead of taking the easy way out and giving them whatever they wanted to keep them happy, this tired old lady rolled up her sleeves and tried to teach kindness, responsibility and the difference between right and wrong.

I've been told I'm doing a horrible job. So I can only assume they will be glad to see me go.

Joyful

I've written before about the major detour my life has taken and the toll that detour has taken on my psyche.  Before I get down to business, here's a brief recap:

My husband and I planned our lives carefully.  We had started married life as a family of three since I already had a five-year-old child, and we added another daughter soon after. From the beginning our lives revolved around the needs of our children (which was, of course, as it should be). But as we approached the dreaded milestone of turning 30 (in hindsight, it wasn't the big number we thought it was), we decided our little family was complete. And truthfully, we were already envisioning entering mid-life with only ourselves to take care of, and the freedom to do what we wanted for a change. Maybe we were already tired.

But before we had a chance to catch our breath, we found ourselves raising our two granddaughters. To say I haven't always been happy about the decades of added responsibilities is a major understatement, but contrary to popular belief I've always loved these girls beyond measure. I just had a lot of resentment regarding the circumstances that required this change in plans.

As the saying goes, we make plans and God laughs.

Of course, we now see that His plans are, indeed, better than anything we could dream up in our tiny human brains.  Our granddaughters seem to be on the right track. They're smart and funny and capable of having bright futures if they continue to make good choices. Most importantly, they've chosen to follow Jesus. Hopefully, they'll always look to Him when the darkness of this world tries to overtake them.

But back to the purpose of this post.

God is clearly using this Titanic-sized alteration of my life plans to teach me a thing or two.  I'm learning to think in terms of what God placed me here to do, not what I want out of this life.  I'm learning to turn to Him when life gets too difficult or my insecurities threaten to consume me.  I'm learning to forgive...slowly.  And I'm learning to embrace joy even when happiness eludes me.

I've been trying to explain this last concept to my husband for a while now.  I haven't felt that I was getting through.  Or maybe he wasn't listening.  Either one is possible.  And I was beginning to wonder if I had lost my marbles.  I mean, really, can a person be unhappy yet filled with joy???

Yes. A thousand times yes.

And today, I heard this idea clearly stated on the radio station K-LOVE, so it's no longer just my own delusion. Someone else thinks the same thing.  And from past experience I know that as soon as someone else says something I've been saying for years, all of a sudden my husband thinks it's a valid point.

Here's a link to the article, just in case you, like my husband, need to see it written by someone else before you're ready to believe it's possible:  How to Get Joy and Keep It

Yes, a Christian can be sad, depressed, and disappointed yet still feel immense joy deep within.  Jesus can do that for you.  I'm hoping that eventually, as I learn to let go of my will and accept His, I'll start to find true contentment even in the midst of disappointment. And maybe my life can reflect just a tiny bit of the love that God has shone down on me.

Whimsical Lovebird Wedding Card

I combined a few different ideas from Pinterest to create this wedding card.  The birds and heart were cut using my Cricut Explore.  I created the wreath by cutting a large number of branches from a Martha Stewart punch, then gluing them into the shape of a heart.  The white background was embossed using my Sizzix Big Shot and a folder from the Cuttlebug Decorative Tile set. I tied some sheer white ribbon around the bottom before attaching the completed card front to a kraft paper card base.

Thanks for visiting!

Masculine Birthday Card using Cricut Explore Writing Feature

I've been a mess lately.

Raising teenage girls will do that to you. Raising kids for decades without a break will definitely do that to you. But God continues to carry me through from one crazy moment to the next, so here I am to share something I made when I wasn't busy sharing my angry thoughts on the World Wide Web.

I love the Cricut cartridge Chalkboard Fonts, especially the font called Extended because to me it's exactly what I picture when I think of a fancy chalkboard font (and the primary reason I bought this cartridge). However, trying to piece those tiny bits together from cardstock is not my idea of chalkboard font fun.  So for this masculine birthday card, I decided it would be the perfect time to let my Cricut Explore write the sentiment with a pen instead of cutting it.

After the Explore had cut a rectangular card front and written "Happy Birthday!" (yes, just like that all by itself like magic), I punched a design across the bottom with a Martha Stewart border punch. I then added a couple of layers of washi tape above the punched edge and tied black twine around the middle of the card front. I cut a slightly larger rectangle from black Core'dinations cardstock to create a mat, ran it through my Sizzix Big Shot inside an embossing folder, then sanded it to reveal the blue core. Finally, I adhered the card front to the mat and attached the finished front to a black note card.

I'm sure tomorrow will bring a new set of challenges, but for now I'll try to be thankful for the good things God has provided.  (Although He didn't bless me with massive amounts of creativity, He did provide me a little time during my day to pretend I'm creative, and for that I am truly grateful.)

Thanks for visiting!