Just One More Visit

My mother would have turned 73 today, but she left this earth four years ago.  I wasn't ready.  But then I guess no one is ever ready to lose someone they love.

I always knew I should visit her more.  She couldn't visit me because she spent the last years of her life caring for my sister around the clock.  She would have it no other way.  First and foremost, she was a mother. 

Some nights when I'm trying to fall asleep I'll say a little prayer.  "Dear God, please send Mama down for one more visit.  There's so much I meant to say."  So far He hasn't answered me.  At least not in the way I want. 

Her life was no picnic but she was always patient and loving.  She had six children and we all felt loved.  I've always had a difficult time showing my two children how much I love them.  And patience isn't even in my vocabulary.  I wish I could ask Mama how she did it all.  I wish she could just tell me, one more time, that I was a good mother.   Most days I hear about everything I've done wrong (often it's just the voices in my head), but Mama was always on my side.  I need that now.  More than ever. 

But more than anything, I want to be her friend.  I want to tell her what a wonderful person she is.  I wish I could let her know what an inspiration she always was and continues to be.  I want to say, "I love you."

When I pray tonight, rather than asking God to send Mama back to visit me, I'll try to be selfless like she always was.  I'll just ask Him to tell her how much she is loved and that her children miss her like crazy. 

Happy birthday, Mama.