I've been going through an overwhelming struggle for a while now. Most of my days are consumed with depression, loneliness and isolation. I can't quite figure out how I got here. And I can't seem to find my way out.
I'm old and tired. I've been raising children for almost four decades, and I still have another ten years until the youngest finishes college. We've been struggling financially since the economy tanked, and our nest egg flew the coop long ago. But I also know I have received many blessings. My husband has a job (actually two--thank God for a hardworking man). The children are healthy, and for the most part stay out of trouble (driving your Nana crazy isn't a crime, although maybe it should be). And even though it's crumbling after nearly 25 years, I do have a home, albeit one with several non-working appliances, a leaky roof, and a septic tank that needs thousands of dollars worth of repairs. Yes, sometimes life stinks.
And I feel God's love every day.
But it's still hard. The closer I get to God, the more I think I'd rather be in His presence than in the presence of so many unkind, selfish and sometimes evil people. But that isn't my choice to make. God placed me here for a reason and it isn't my job to question that. So for now I need to suck it up and complete the task I've been given. If Jesus could do what was asked of Him, who in the world am I to wimp out now?
There's a song I love, "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson, that sums it all up in such a beautiful way. I hope you'll watch the video below. It isn't easy suffering through the trials that make us who we need to be. But God knows what He's doing. And He's here to hold us up every step of the way.
I'm sitting here in the dark before the morning. I'm ready to watch the sun rise and face whatever tomorrow brings. I know God will be there waiting to accompany me on my journey. And that gets me through the day no matter what happens.