Saturday, March 1, 2014

My far

This is the story of who I am.  It's about God's grace and redemption.  And how it's there for everyone.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my fragile mental health and just how much time I have left before my impending complete nervous breakdown.  I struggle to get through most days.  The reasons are complex and span 55 years.  Suffice it to say...I'm broken.

Some nights things are so bad I lie in bed and hope to take my last breath.  I don't want to live.  I don't deserve to live.  I've let so many people down.  So many people have let me down.  Life is hard.

Sometimes I have a good day and I feel like the pieces of me are starting to mend.  Then something happens and I come unglued.  God keeps picking up the pieces and carrying me to where I need to be.  I don't know why He doesn't just leave me where He found me, and move on to someone with more potential.  But He loves me.  For some reason, He loves me.

I've tried too many times to navigate my life without my GPS (God's Plan for my Service).  I veer off course, but He's always waiting for me to turn to Him to help me find my way.  Usually I listen for a few minutes, then my mind starts telling me, "We got this.  Bootstraps.  Pull.  Yeah, we can do it."

I can't.

I've been asking the wrong question.  It isn't "Why is God allowing me to suffer so much pain?"  The question should be "Why am I not willing to listen until I'm completely broken?"  And broken I am.

My heartache and disappointment aren't God's way of punishing me for my sinful, willful ways.  It's His way of calling out to me, "I'm still here.  Just reach out for Me."

God has a plan for each of us.  We might never know exactly what that means.  At least not here on earth.  But we aren't here by accident.  Each of us is here for a reason.  I try to recognize that fact each and every day.  But more often than not, I convince myself that I'm not making any difference in the world.  In my self-centered, distrustful way, I believe I'm God's one big mistake. 

I always feel like such a failure.  I let God down on a daily basis.  Multiple times.  But God doesn't really need any of us to do His work.  He allows us to do so for our own good.  He can do anything He wants without any help from us.  He wants us to need Him.  He wants to be our friend.

I might never be bubbly and happy, or the person who lights up a room.  That just isn't who I am.  I'm human and I carry a lot of baggage.   Huge, heavy baggage.  But deep within me, joy exists.  I know God loves me.  And that gives me a sense of peace like nothing else.  Maybe I can't find a reason to LOL.  But within my soul there's happiness.  Sometimes it's buried deep within.  But it's there.  God loves me.  Me.  He loves you, too.  I hope you know that.  I hope you feel it.

I've heard it said that even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would have died just for you.  If you can wrap your mind around that, you will understand what keeps me going.  Honestly, I have a hard time comprehending that most days.  I feel insignificant.  I feel unworthy.  I am unworthy.  But Christ died for me anyway.  Or for that very reason.

Sometimes I think my existence on earth hasn't made even the smallest difference.  I'm raising my granddaughters, but I'm doing a lousy job.  I'm tired and resentful, and unfortunately, it shows.  I try to be loving, but honestly, I'm simply burned out.  But in the midst of the chaos of our lives, both girls are growing into loving, thoughtful young ladies who strive to be Christ-like.  I'm not sure how much of that is because of me or in spite of me.  But I do know that God can use even the most flawed humans to do His work.

Despite my reluctance to go on sometimes, I'm still breathing, thanks to God's neverending grace and mercy.  If you haven't already, I hope you will reach out and take God's hand.  He's there waiting just for you.


  1. I love this. It's exactly what I needed to read today.

  2. Absolutely wonderful! My baggage was getting heavier and heavier and weighing on me more and more, until I asked God to carry it for me. That's why he sent his son after all, and no baggage is as heavy as the weight of the cross Jesus carried to his crucifixion. God loves us and he wants us to cry out to him for help, we can't do it on our own, thankfully I stopped trying to.