Rude Awakenings

I thought I knew everything about human nature. Or that at least I was good at managing my expectations based on who I was dealing with and what I knew about that person.

But then reality came calling.

My oldest grand/daughter's father passed away recently. At first my heart broke for her. I hadn't seen her father in years, and I guess I was thinking mostly about what she was dealing with. He was hospitalized for a week, was comatose, and the outcome became obvious within a short time.

Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, only a couple of people were allowed to visit him in ICU until the decision to take him off life support had been made. Once we were allowed to visit, my husband and I went to the hospital to support our grand/daughter during what would be the most heart-wrenching day of her young life.

I wasn't prepared for the emotions that hit me upon entering that room.

Once upon a time, when our first grand/daughter was born, we allowed her parents to move into our house with her. I got to know her father a little better during this time. They weren't here long and I don't remember when or why they moved out. But it was clear from the beginning--we would always be family.

Eventually our grand/daughter came to live with us permanently. Her father would come visit as much as possible. He made mistakes in life--don't we all?--but his love for his daughter was obvious. As she got older and was able to drive, he no longer came here and I lost touch with him over the past several years. There was never a question that father and daughter loved each other immensely.

When my husband and I saw him in the hospital, we were both hit with such a sense of loss...for us, for our grand/daughter, and for her mother. Here was a young man who didn't have much opportunity in life, and it was now ending. (He had been raised by his grandparents, and I don't think he saw his parents...especially his mother...very often.)

Since the visitation restrictions had been somewhat lifted due to his dire condition, my grand/daughter and her mother had reached out to his parents and half-siblings so that they could have a chance to say goodbye.

Nobody came.

He passed away the next day. His daughter stayed by his side as long as possible, but because she had made the decision to donate his organs, she couldn't stay until the very end. But she was determined to be there for him as long as possible.

After my husband and grand/daughter had made the decisions regarding burial, etc., and since an actual funeral would have to wait until people were allowed to congregate again, the funeral home agreed to a family-only viewing. Again, my daughter and grand/daughter reached out to his family to let them know the details so they would have one last chance to see him.

His mother and two of his half-siblings showed up for the viewing. We introduced ourselves as we stood outside. The mom chatted a little in a very casual way. She never mentioned her son, at least not that I heard. The siblings never spoke a word to us. It was awkward to say the least.

My entire family went into the chapel to see him as soon as we were allowed. We were all brokenhearted and struggling to keep our composure.

The viewing was only supposed to last 30 minutes. After about 15, his family finally walked into the chapel. I left, partly to comfort my younger grand/daughter who had broken down and left the chapel very quickly, but mostly to give his family some privacy.

I never saw a single tear from any of them. As a matter of fact, my husband said they sat near the back of the chapel and he overheard the mom ask, "Aren't they going to say anything? Is this it?"

The one thing she never said was, "Thank you for taking care of the final arrangements for my son." And they left shortly thereafter, never saying a word to anyone.

It became blatantly obvious that this young man who meant so much to my grand/daughter, and was still close to her mother, had never known the love of caring parents. Our hearts broke all over again. So my husband and I got some comfort from knowing that he spoke highly of us and considered us his family. But that came with regret that we didn't try harder to include him in our lives and show him unconditional love. I guess we never knew that we were the only family he felt he had.

Sometimes people can surprise you. And it isn't always good.

Golden

Long before I became one myself, I enjoyed watching The Golden Girls on tv. I still watch every chance I get because those ladies keep me entertained with their sassy humor and unconditional love for each other. I've seen each episode so many times that I have almost every line memorized. For some reason knowing exactly what is about to happen makes it even more enjoyable. I like to keep the show on as background noise and only look up to watch when I realize a favorite scene is about to happen. I guess when you've seen and heard it all, you only really catch the highlights.

My husband and I took a road trip recently. I love road trips. Not only do I enjoy getting away from life's responsibilities for a little while, I also enjoy having a captive audience in the car for a few hours. Most days of the week I spend at home doing what I need to do and listening to the voices in my head (and the Golden Girls, when possible). Nobody here really listens to anything I say. Except me.

While talking my husband's ear off in our confined space on our very long drive, I realized that as usual, he was tuning me out, only occasionally catching the highlights and then reacting to what I was saying.

I really am his Golden Girl.

Lonely but not Alone

Earthly-speaking, I'm a 60-year-old orphan.

Some days I want nothing more than to call my mom. Or my dad. Or my big sister. Those are the people I could always lean on when life got too hard. But they're not here anymore.

It gets lonely.

As Blanche Devereaux said on The Golden Girls, as she stood over her parents' graves after her father's funeral, "I'm nobody's little girl anymore."

The Golden Girls was at times poignant, heartwarming, hilarious, and quote-worthy. Another favorite quote of mine is from Rose Nylund, after Blanche's teenage grandson indicated he would like to live with the them: "It wouldn't be fair to be this old and have to raise children!" In another episode, upon receiving a marriage proposal from a rich boyfriend with young children, Blanche was hesitant to take on the responsibility, saying, "They're practically babies! Babies need a mama! Goodness, I've already raised my family. I don't have the energy to go through that again!" These quotes regarding tired, old people raising children especially resonate with me.

I'm tired. And old. And still raising children.

But this isn't really about The Golden Girls or raising children through our golden years. Today I'm talking about feeling alone.

Raising our grandchildren has, in many ways, isolated my husband and me from other couples our age...and from each other. Those with empty nests are doing things we only dream about. Also, living so far from our siblings and extended family, and not having the freedom to travel often to visit, has made us feel like strangers when we do.  Sometimes those whose lives are so far away from ours--both literally and figuratively--seem to have forgotten about us or simply don't feel connected anymore. And when you get old and tired, but responsibilities are calling, your relationship with each other often becomes more about dealing with the day-to-day struggles than maintaining your romance. There simply isn't enough time or energy left at the end of the day.

As a parent, by necessity, your life can become consumed by the needs of your children. When that continues on for decades, it seems sometimes that your only purpose is to fulfill those needs to the detriment of other aspects of your life. And those children don't realize you are a human being, not a robot without emotions or needs of your own. Some days it would be nice to have another human being to talk with, sometimes even--gasp!--about your own hopes, dreams, and feelings.

I can't remember the last time someone other than my husband asked me about me. At least not in a meaningful, non-obligatory way. Occasionally I'll get the perfunctory question, "How are you?", but that doesn't really open up a dialogue. I personally can't bring myself to use that as a jumping-off point to talk about my struggles or even my few joyful moments.

But speaking of joyful moments, most of mine come at the end of a long, stressful day, when I reach out to the One who knows me and cares--my Heavenly Father. I can open up to Him about anything, and I do. I'm pretty sure that is the one and only thing that has kept me going this long. So even though it might sound like you've stepped into a pity-party, I'm really just trying to share that no matter how lonely and forgotten we may feel, there's Someone who will always be there and will always care. God loves you and He loves me, no matter how isolated we sometimes feel.

When nobody seems to see you or hear what you wish you could say, God will always be there to wrap you in His loving embrace and listen to what you can't put into words.

--------------------------------------------------

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Recharge and Repeat

Just as I was anticipating enjoying the final chapter of my life when my younger grand/daughter graduates high school next year, my husband decided to add to my "to do" list and hire me as his work assistant. I have no problem helping my husband at his job, especially since it appears to be the only way I'll ever see him. But I'm tired.

Anyway, as I was working on my laptop computer, I noticed the battery was almost depleted. I had been so busy trying to learn how to do my new job that I hadn't remembered to plug it in to recharge.

Today, that's how I feel.

I don't have the hardest life out there. I also know I've been blessed in so many ways. However, that seems to add a layer of guilt to my feelings of being overwhelmed by life. How can I, Suburban Housewife and Mom, be anything but joyful???!!! My husband works hard to support us, our children are staying out of trouble (I think), we have a comfortable place to rest our heads at night, and as far as I know, nobody is looking to do us harm.

But I'm tired.

Did I say that already? Sometimes I simply want to repeat it. Or shout if from the clocktower.

I'm entering year 42 of child raising. I love my children with all my heart. But I don't know how much more energy I can expend disciplining, reminding, cajoling, comforting, cooking, cleaning, encouraging, listening, disciplining, reminding, cajoling, cooking, cleaning...

It never ends. And I'm still tired.

Over the past few months I've also lost two people I love very much, and even though I try to move forward in life as best I can, sometimes the memory washes over me like a giant wave out of nowhere and takes my breath away.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen. Someone who cares. Someone who will laugh with me about the absurdity of 42 consecutive years of trying to get little people to do what they need to do in order to become fully functioning big people.

I need a recharge. Or at this point, maybe it isn't just the battery; maybe I've served all I can and it's time for a new, more powerful machine to take over.

The household manual is in the kitchen drawer. Unless someone removed it and "forgot" to return it to its rightful place. If so, Shiny New Machine, you're on your own.

Life Changing Events

After 18 years in a vegetative state, my (ever-so-slightly) older sister passed away on Saturday.

I'm not sure the reality has quite hit me yet. I don't think I've had enough "alone time" to process it. With a family and responsibilities, life tends to go on as usual...even when it's not.

The last two weeks were filled with death and the overwhelming sense of loss we feel when someone we love and/or respect leaves this earth...and us...behind. I was saddened to learn of the passing of George H. W. Bush, a man I truly believe wanted the best for America and her citizens. Then my son-in-law learned of the tragic death of his aunt, which was terribly heartbreaking for his entire family.

My sister's death, as surprising as this sounds, was unexpected. I suppose my siblings and I have all spent the past 18 years knowing it was coming, but it still seemed to come out of the blue. Teresa had been through so much since her surgery and the complications that followed, and after the death of our mother (who lovingly cared for her at home for the first 6 1/2 years), her transfer to a nursing home signaled the beginning of many hospitalizations. But she had held on through so many dire circumstances that we were beginning to believe she would outlive us all.

Big sister, Teresa, looking out for me as usual

So today my heart is heavy, but there is also a sense of joy deep within because I truly believe she's in the arms of Jesus and reunited with our parents. Growing up, we were always encouraged to attend church, even though our parents didn't take us. I honestly don't remember exactly when or under what circumstances my siblings accepted Jesus as their Savior, but I feel confident that Teresa did at some point. I remember seeing her reading her Bible as a teenager, when all I cared about was trying to read whether some boy liked me or not.

Teresa and I both sometimes veered off the path God desired for us, and I think often the Christian community looks at people who make certain types of mistakes and declares that we must not be Christians because true Christians would never commit that particular sin.

I disagree.

I'm no Bible scholar or great theologian, and I am terribly, terribly flawed, so I usually avoid "preaching" to anybody (no matter what my children think). But as I try to comprehend the transition from this life to eternity, I want to share my thoughts and experiences because I don't want anyone to die without knowing and loving Jesus, the Creator who loved us so much He was willing to leave His perfect home in Heaven and die on a cross to give us new life in Him. And as the pastor of my church sometimes says, if anything I say isn't accurate or true, I pray God will somehow correct my mistake (so if this post mysteriously disappears from cyberspace, that might explain why.)

I became a Christian as a young child. It was so very long ago and I was so young that I don't remember much about the experience. But what I do know is that I was a painfully timid child, so I know I would never have walked alone down that church aisle if I hadn't truly wanted Jesus to be my Savior. And as I look back on my young life, I remember so many missteps, but I also remember the Holy Spirit alerting me when I was doing something sinful. I often still did it, but I use these memories to remind myself that the Holy Spirit was living inside me, guiding me as much as I would allow. Becoming a Christian doesn't make us perfect; it only makes us perfectly restored in God's eyes. It backspaces over our sins and lets us begin our story fresh. We will probably sin again tomorrow, but if we're truly redeemed by God's amazing grace we will want to please Him by the way we live our lives, even in the midst of repeated failures. So we repent and ask for forgiveness, and our sins are erased again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Jesus stated, "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it." (Luke 18:17, ESV).   To me this means we can't come to Jesus with the idea of earning our salvation or of being "good enough", but we must open our hearts with complete child-like trust and accept the forgiveness that is offered through Christ's redeeming blood. Thinking back to your childhood, you probably took for granted that your parents loved you and would always provide for your needs. You didn't worry about being worthy. You simply accepted their love and care. All too often we try to make faith in Jesus complicated, when we should just be willing to accept what He offers us. I know in my own life when I receive a generous gift, it makes me want to do something generous in return or at least show my appreciation. Quite frequently I get sidetracked, and my good intentions are delayed or never happen. I think when we accept the overwhelming forgiveness Jesus offers, we find ourselves wanting to honor Him with our service, but frequently find ourselves drawn in other directions by day-to-day life. So our faith is genuine, but our lives don't reflect the gratitude we feel toward God. We mean well, but we get distracted by life and our sinful nature. But as we study God's Word to learn more about Him, and as we spend time in worship and communication with Him, we find ourselves more desperately wanting to bring honor and glory to His holy name through the way we live our lives. It's a life-long process of growth that begins with the seed of child-like faith.

I recently told a new friend that I must be the slowest-growing Christian to ever receive God's amazing grace and mercy. (Not wanting to scare her off, I didn't reveal all the ugly details that pointed to this truth!) But I tell you all this to say you don't have to wait until your life is all cleaned up to accept the salvation Jesus offers to each and every one of us. You simply offer your life to Him and let the Spirit work through you. There will be many times you will mess up. In my case, many, MANY times over the course of many, many years. But our earthly lives are only a blip in eternity, and we have no way of knowing how long that blip will last. Eternity is forever. Wouldn't you want to spend it with the God who loves you just as you are? The One who created you for a purpose and wants to lead you through the life He set forth just for you? You might think there's so much you would have to give up to follow Jesus. As someone who indulged in many of life's so-called pleasures, I assure you that after letting Jesus begin to conform you into the person He always intended you to be, you won't really miss the life you knew before. Most of those "pleasures" were really just you trying to fill the God-sized hole in your heart. He created us to have a relationship with Him, and until we do, there's nothing else that will fill that emptiness we feel. Even after we accept Him into our lives, we will most likely still let our sinful desires overtake us from time to time. And that's when the Holy Spirit will remind us that we are looking in the wrong place for fulfillment and joy. Those are the times we need to step away from what the world is telling us we need and instead spend time with God.

Open your heart to Jesus. Your life will never be the same. And that's the best thing that could ever happen to you.

An Old Lady Telling a Story

I've spent an inordinate amount of my life whining about things that can't be changed. If you've read my blog before, you are probably well aware of this fact. If not, and if you want to see what I'm really all about, feel free to scour the archives. But for now, on with the story...


I recently turned 60, and I wasn't happy about it.

Don't get me wrong--I'm beyond grateful that I made it this far. Most of the time. But 60 is a big number, and it seemed to be the one that signaled to me that time was running out. There are so many things I still want to do. Things I thought I'd already be doing. Things I might never get a chance to do. Ships that have sailed without me.

I was struggling to deal with all these emotions, and feeling guilty because a Christian shouldn't be depressed about getting one step closer to Heaven. Besides, life isn't all that bad. And after 40 years of raising children, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel (maybe I should stop saying that at this late stage of life).

And the truth is, the thing that was most depressing to me was living so far from my family.

I am lucky enough to have one daughter and my two grand/daughters close by (one in my own house--you can't get much closer than that!). But my other daughter and her family live hundreds of miles away. And the little grandchildren are growing up so fast--the youngest is only four months old, and changing by the day!

My sisters and brother, my built-in, lifelong friends, the people who know me all too well...and love me anyway, also live hundreds of miles away. And I miss them. I feel so disconnected. Life gets busy and it's hard to get quality time with each of them on holiday visits when there is a house full of people trying to catch up with each other in a short span of time.

So there I was feeling sorry for myself and trying really hard not to. My husband and children who live nearby all celebrated with me on my birthday, and it was lovely. They gave me gifts and beautiful, heartfelt cards. I felt loved.

But I was still 60.

When the day was over, I settled in to wait for death.

I woke up the next morning (thankfully), and it was just another day. Except I was old. Sixty years old, to be exact. Okay, it was finally here and I could stop worrying about it. But man, that number really hit hard. I've never been hit by a number before. My husband and I would be doing our usual Friday night routine at the end of the day...dinner and a trip to Costco (don't steal that phrase because I plan to write a book some day).

Anyway, I struggled to put makeup on my 60-year-old face, "style" my thinning hair, and clothe my thickening body. It was an epic fail, but off to dinner we went.

When we returned a few hours later, I walked into the house dragging my oversized Costco supplies, and was blindsided...

"SURPRISE!!!!!!!"

I couldn't believe what I saw. My loved ones had driven hundred of miles to celebrate my birthday with me!!! And my long-suffering husband, who had spent the last several months listening to me obsess over turning 60, had spent those same few months planning a surprise birthday party for me!!!

I was humbled. Having long felt isolated, lonely, and old, all too often I made everything all about me. I'm not proud of that. But when you spend so much of your life inside your own head, it's easy to do. I instantly felt ashamed that I wallow in self-pity so much. After all, it isn't all about me.

But for one amazing weekend, my family made me feel like it was.

Most of the crew, sharing the beauty of God's creation with me (we did pick up our trash)

Commitment

I’ve tried so hard to have a more positive attitude lately, but the truth is I seem to have only succeeded in tamping down my feelings until they explode at some seemingly small incident. Life is fun like that.

God has been so good to me—not that I’m wealthy, or that I never have problems, disappointments or heartaches—but He has carried me through difficulties I was certain I could never make it through. And I have been blessed with a loving, hard-working, Christian husband (not that he’s perfect, just in case he’s reading this), and wonderful children and grandchildren.

But...

As much as I love my daughters and grand/daughters, spending 40+ years from age 19 to 60 raising them has been a J.O.B.  And one that isn’t ending any time soon.

They are really good people, and people I cherish, but they are still human beings. And humans...all of us...can be challenging.

Imagine taking a job at age 19...not just any job, but one that requires you to be actively working, or at least on-call, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year...for FORTY YEARS.

Every day you show up to work, and instead of a paycheck you are rewarded with criticism. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Often, by more than one person. Nothing you do is ever good enough, and usually it’s just WRONG. You can’t seem to ever figure out what anyone wants because that seems to change with each sunrise. So you try to master the fine art of mind reading, but you fail at that, too. 

You fail at EVERYTHING. 

Everyone seems to be unhappy and it’s somehow your fault. EVERYTHING is your fault. You’re the most unimportant, insignificant creature ever created, but somehow everyone else’s happiness rests on your weary shoulders.

I want to resign. Or retire. Or at least recharge. But those are all rather difficult with a still-active 24/7/365/40+ year commitment.

Maybe that’s the answer. Or so I’ve been told by my employers. 

I need to be committed. 

Mountains and Tides

Earlier today I began writing a post, excited to talk about how God has been working in my life lately. I also planned to mention the inevitability that difficult days would return from time to time.

And just like that, today became one of those days.

Before I could finish writing about how the tide seemed to be turning, a giant wave crashed over me. Once again I feel like I’m drowning.

The song I had already planned to share seems even more beautiful in light of this turn of events. Some days all we see are mountains looming ahead. Too often we let them obscure our view of God, who is waiting and able to move those mountains or to simply pick us up in His loving arms and carry us to the other side.

Masculine Birthday Card

I needed a masculine card and thought it was the perfect excuse to play with a new (to me) technique.

I used the stencil Burlap from the Stampers Anonymous Tim Holtz Collection along with texture paste to create the kraft cardstock base panel. The sentiment was created using the Straight Talk - Birthday die from Technique Tuesday along with a Spellbinders Nestabilities Large Deckled Rectangles die to create the rectangle onto which I stamped "wishes". I also cut a larger deckled rectangle from patterned kraft paper to place behind the sentiment, added a strip of vintage-looking patterned paper, then tied some jute twine around the entire panel and attached everything to a basic card base.

Thanks for visiting!

Graduation Shaker Card

I created this shaker card for my grand/daughter's middle school graduation. She is now finishing her sophomore year of high school. I'm a bit behind.

(I just realized that could be misconstrued. I'm not two years behind in making the card, just in posting.)

The cute little graduate and sentiment are from the Cricut cartridge Create a Friend. I added a cardinal from the cartridge 50 States to represent the school mascot.  I added lots of gold and red sequins to the shaker along with sky-themed paper for the background.

Now it's time to start working on her high school graduation card if I hope to have it finished by 2020. Look for the post around 2022.

Thanks for visiting!

Soccer Card

It's been a while since I've posted--so long, in fact, that I needed a "how-to" refresher!

No great creative masterpiece here, just a simple card I made for a young man halfway across the world. I love using my Cricut Explore to create cards to let others know that someone is thinking of them. Don't we all need that once in a while???

Images can be found on the following Cricut cartidges:

Soccer Ball - Life's a Party

Cloud - Hello Kitty Greetings

Grass - ZooBalloo

Thanks for visiting!

Jar-Shaped-Shaker Birthday Card

Call it blind trust or whatever, but I habitually stick bulky cards in the mail believing they will reach their destination unscathed. Due to my life experiences I don't have much optimism left, but I was clinging to the hope that mail was somehow different, even sacred (rain, snow, sleet, hail...and all that jazz).

As usual I was wrong. So my cynicism remains intact, even if my cards don't.

I lovingly made this card and sent if off, only to later learn it didn't make it. (I think the recipient eventually got a notice from the post office that it had postage due--whoops! Embarrassment is another constant in my life. And this time it was all on me.)

The cutout and decorative elements were created using a Jillibean Soup die set and matching stamps. I created the shaker pouch with the We R Memory Keepers Fuse tool and filled it with sequins and small beads. The sentiment was stamped onto a banner shape and adhered with dimensional foam. The final touches were a few sequins glued randomly and a cord tied into a bow and adhered to the neck of the "jar".

Thanks for visiting!

Sea Turtle Shaker Card

I had forgotten about this shaker card until last night when I saw the video that inspired me to create it. If you need some crafting inspiration, I suggest you check out Vicky Papaioannou on YouTube for papercrafting ideas and techniques. She's amazing!

I wish I had chosen paper that was a little more vibrant, but I tend to live a 20/20 hindsight sort of life. Oh well. It is what it is. And what it is this time is a cheap knockoff.

To cut the images, I used Cricut Design Space and my Explore machine along with images from the following Cricut cartridges:

Disney/Pixar-Best of Pixar - fish
Children Around the World - sea turtle
Stretch Your Imagination - wave frame  (I made some size adjustments to the wave frame so that it would fit my card base.)

I used my We R Memory Keepers Fuse tool to create the shaker pocket in an attempt to reduce the bulk since I was mailing the card. (Sadly, many of my cards never seem to reach their intended recipients, or come with postage due.) I added tiny beads (I'm sure there's a more specific name for them, but I have no idea what that might be) along with tiny sequins (again, no idea what they're actually called).

Thanks for stopping by!

Nothing Wasted

My younger grand/daughter, who was just a baby last time I looked, got her learner's permit to drive recently. The years really do fly by. They just don't always feel that way while you're living them.

Ashamedly, I complain a lot here on my blog about the stress of raising my grand/daughters through what should have been my golden years. Make no mistake-- I love both girls with all my heart (and I wouldn't hesitate to take this journey again). But they've perfected the art of frustrating me with one misguided action or another. And I never had a moment to recover from the exhaustion of the previous 20 years I spent raising children before I found myself back where I started. When I'm not frustrated or exhausted, I feel very fortunate that my husband and I have been able to raise them. Unfortunately, there are few moments when I don't feel either frustrated or exhausted...or both.

(Truthfully, I still feel fortunate most days, but that usually only happens late at night when that day's challenges are behind me and all is quiet.)

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I didn't have the strength to fully embrace and enjoy the opportunity to raise these precious girls. I think it can best be compared to the following scenario: You have the chance to take a once-in-a-lifetime, all-expenses paid trip around the world (well, maybe not "all-expenses paid"...it's been quite the costly adventure). But as much as you love the places you're visiting and the people you're traveling with, you're also suffering from a debilitating disease that makes every day of the trip feel like a chore instead of a vacation. And every day some new challenge arises that creates extra work just to get from point A to point B. Instead of enjoying the journey, you wonder if it will ever end. And because you started the trip exhausted and barely able to move, it takes a toll on everyone around you, too. You love the destination, you love your companions...but it just wasn't the best time to make the trip.

Are we there yet???!!!

God gave me a great gift in allowing me to spend the past 19 years attempting to guide and nurture two girls I love dearly. Unfortunately, He gave me the gift when I was already old and tired. I'm not questioning God's timing, but as with other events He allows for His purposes it's sometimes difficult to see the forest for the trees. But I'll keep praying for strength, regretting my failures, and loving these two girls even when they think they hate me. And I'll praise God because He wastes nothing, even if we do.

The sign says it all: Danger! 

Gumball Machine Shaker Card

Sometimes my cards reach their intended recipients. Sometimes they don't. And sometimes I just don't know.

This one, I'm told, never made it.

I love shaker cards. They provide a nice, clean way of adding sparkle without messy glitter or time-consuming glitter glue (how many days does that stuff take to dry, anyway???) But quite often they either get destroyed by postal machines (I'm assuming) or, to my horror, sit in the post office with a big, ugly "postage due" notice, waiting for the addressee to come stand in line with money in-hand to retrieve a mystery package that the well-intentioned sender failed to stamp properly.

What a let-down that must be. ("I spent my afternoon in line and paid good money for this????") LOL. The trials of life.

And now, onto the card details.

 ("I spent my valuable time reading nonsense for this??????") Big LOL.

I used a sweets-themed stamp set from Jillibean Soup for the gumball machine and sentiment. The circle was cut from a nesting die set from Darice. And I used my We R Memory Keepers Fuse tool to create the shaker pouch that holds the sparkly bits, thinking that with less bulk my card would make it safely.

It didn't.

Thanks for stopping by!

Thinking of You Card

Sometimes life deals us hardships, and that's when we need someone to remind us we aren't alone. I never want anyone to feel the pain of abandonment on top of whatever else they might be going through, so I like to use my simple cardmaking "talent" whenever possible to help someone through the tough times.

The design on this card was cut on my Cricut Explore using the Lacy Labels cartridge. I added a little twine under the label and put some sparkle in the flowers using glitter glue. It was a simple project, but I hope it reminded the recipient that someone cares.

Thanks for visiting!

Happy Birthday, Teresa

Today my older sister, Teresa, turns 60. It's a bittersweet day because she has been in a vegetative state for 17 years, but as long as she's alive I won't stop asking God for a miracle. And if that isn't His plan, I pray He will give her comfort as long as she's here.

Teresa has loved giraffes since she was a teen, so I try to use them in her cards as much as possible. This giraffe was cut on my Cricut Explore using the cartridge Bits and Pieces, the tree was cut from the Heritage cartridge, and I hand-cut the grass along the bottom.

I used Tim Holtz Distress Oxide inks to create the sunset background (or sunrise, if you prefer). I die cut the sun using my Sizzix Big Shot and a circle die, then backed it with shimmery paper. I used craft foam to create dimension between the sky and sun, but because I used a good bit of liquid glue to attach the front panel to the card base, I inadvertently caused a reaction with the distress oxide inks. (I tried to minimize the damage by adding a little more ink and pretending it was all intentional.)

I wanted to acknowledge Teresa's milestone birthday, but in a subtle way, so I simply stamped "60" in VersaMark ink on the tree trunk and embossed it with clear embossing powder.

As always, I really appreciate that you took a few moments to visit!

Simple DIY Sketch Pads

Last Christmas I made baskets of art supplies for my youngest grandchildren. I thought it would be more meaningful (and less expensive!) to make personalized sketch pads instead of buying them.

(The gifts were ready in a timely fashion; this blog post...not so much.)

Since the Christmas season is hectic enough already, I kept the designs simple. I cut front and back covers for each book from chipboard, then applied patterned paper to each surface. The inside pages were cut from white cardstock to be slightly smaller than the covers. The names were stamped using a simple alphabet stamp set and ink to match the cover papers. I used my Bind-it-All machine to punch holes in the top of all covers and inner pages, then bound each sketch pad with O-wires.

Thanks for visiting!

Guilty

I'll go ahead and put this out there (since it's impossible to hide)...I'm cracking under the pressures of life.

I've been accused of being the worst mother ever and an all-around horrible human being that no one wants to be around. If you've given your heart and soul and everything else you had to raise children, just let that sink in for a moment...

Funny, nobody can stand to be around me, yet they keep coming back. If I felt that way about someone, I assure you I would move heaven and earth to be able to stay far, far away.

If you don't have children you might not understand the frustration of never being able to plan five minutes ahead for anything. Children always need something. Or think they do.

Why don't I set them straight, you might ask? Refer to paragraph 2 above. If you've never been blamed for everything wrong with the world, you might not understand how that, combined with typical mommy-guilt, plays with your mind.

Yes, I've thrown another cup of coffee across the room today over what might seem minor to anyone else. Unless you've been raising children every day for the past four decades, all while giving up your hopes and dreams because nobody lives forever and you've been watching the years slip by, you might agree with paragraph 2. I beg you not to judge too harshly.

I'm simply a human being who has faults like every other human being. I love imperfectly. I try every day to be a better person...and fail miserably. I pray for help and forgiveness every night. I try to let go of the heavy baggage I carried into adulthood, but much like the children who suffered under my dictatorship, it always finds its way back into my home.

All I really need is some consideration. You want something from me? Try asking instead of expecting. Don't assume whatever you want is more important than whatever I'm trying to do. Yes, I'm old, but believe it or not I had things in this life I wanted to accomplish, and as important as you are to me...and as important as you think  you are, your desires don't always trump mine. Just be thoughtful of me once in a while. Contrary to the stories going around about me, I did put your needs ahead of my own in ways you'll never know.

There are still a few things I want out of life in the short time I have left. Please don't make me feel bad about that.

Stamped Floral Card

I have a bad habit of wanting to try every craft I come across. YouTube videos created by those who have mad skills and make everything look easy are playing right into that desire. Unfortunately, I haven't yet found my talent. And I'm quickly running out of space to store my crafty tools...and the money to finance my habit. But I'm tenacious and refuse to let that stop me.

This card was created with Tim Holtz stamps and Spectrum Noir alcohol markers. Since the stamp set is sort-of a mix-and-match set, I have no idea if I got the parts matched up correctly. And I'm just learning to color (saddest statement ever made by a woman approaching 60). But I had fun anyway, and hopefully the card brightened the recipient's day. After all, aren't those the two most important reasons we craft???

Thanks for stopping by!

The Day I Forgot My Mascara

I'm in no way what you'd call "high-maintenance", but I don't think there's been a day in over 40 years that I haven't worn mascara.

Until yesterday.

Every day of my life, unless I'm deathly ill, I put on at least a little bit of makeup. I guess I feel I owe my husband that much. (I'm not easy to live with.)

I had errands to run yesterday, and on the days I'm forced to leave the house I usually put a little extra effort into my appearance. I can't do much to make life on this earth more beautiful, but I can try not to frighten small children. (A little lot of makeup can cover a multitude of problems.) I thought I'd applied everything I needed--spackle, paint, and the like--but somehow I forgot mascara.

I swear I checked my appearance in the mirror before I left the house. At some point before the day was over, I'm sure I took another quick glance. And last thing before going to bed, I spent a ridiculous amount of time in front of the mirror removing my makeup so I could apply my magic potions that do all the heavy lifting while I sleep.

I never noticed something was amiss.

At around 4 a.m. I awoke with a headache...and an odd panicked thought. "Did I ever apply my mascara today???" (The mind is a very strange thing.)

So what exactly is going on in my post-menopausal brain??? Have the nearly 40 years I've been raising children taken a dangerous toll on my memory??? Is life on Planet Earth simply getting to be too much for me??? Am I losing my mind completely???

I might never know what happened yesterday, or why I had a 4 a.m. "awakening". But if I start to forget too many steps in my beauty routine, it could get real ugly real fast. It's hard enough to be called "Ma'am"; my fragile ego could never handle being called "Sir".

Beauty and the Beast Shaker Card

My 4-year-old granddaughter loves Disney princesses. No surprise there. What's actually very surprising (to me, at least) is that my oldest grand/daughter indicated she would be hoping for a similar card for her upcoming 19th birthday. I guess you never outgrow Disney. Or the fantasy of being a princess.

When I made this card I evidently wasn't thinking clearly because the last time I saw my precious young granddaughter she made it perfectly clear that her favorite princess is Sleeping Booty (which is so cute coming out of the mouth of a sweet 3-year-old that nobody in their right mind would correct her pronunciation).  Anyway, the card was already made before that recollection came to me, so Belle (the other "Booty") would have to suffice. In my defense, I am old...and very forgetful. And to my credit, I did remember her birthday.

I thought an interactive card would be fun, so I chose to make a shaker element by altering the rose design from the Cricut cartridge Disney Princess - Dreams Come True. From the same cartridge I cut Belle as large as possible and put her together as best I could (these character images have some tiny pieces!) I also cut several pink shapes to use as rose petals and put them inside the shaker along with sequins and other shiny small things. I then placed everything on a purple background because...well, nothing says "royal" better than the color purple!

Thanks for visiting!

Transitions

It has been a rough couple of weeks.

My oldest grand/dog, who lived with us for the past 5 years, passed away. And my oldest grand/daughter, who has--for the most part-- been in our home since she was born 19 years ago, moved into her own place.

Although I knew both of these inevitabilities would be difficult, I was truly surprised at just how sad I feel.

The dog was old and had been in poor health for a while. We knew his time was coming soon, but I think we were all surprised at how quickly his condition deteriorated. It's still hard to accept that he's gone.

My grand/daughter has been trying to assert her independence for a while now (19 years, to be exact). I knew one of us had to move out for everyone's safety (I was just thankful it wasn't me.) But I never expected that it would be this hard to let her go.

I know she's a smart girl. I also remember how hard it is to enter adulthood unaware that you don't know even a small percentage of what you think you know, and oblivious to the ramifications your decisions can have on your life for years to come (and sometimes forever).

Oh, how I wish I could make all her decisions for her (yes, I do now know everything). But she would have no part of that when I had the legal right to rule her world; why would I expect her to allow it now?

Transitions are hard. But they're a fact of life. All I can do is remember that I've made it this far, bad decisions and all, so I have no reason to doubt that she can, too. And I'll pray for God to protect her while she's busy learning everything she thought she already knew.

The Princess, after having learned everything she'd ever need to know

The Dog, when he was still frisky enough to think he owned me

Foiled card with butterfly

I wanted to play around with foiling techniques...and get a much-overdue card made at the same time.

I used a Heidi Swapp art screen and screen ink to apply the floral design, which was then foiled using Minc reactive foil and a laminator. The butterfly is from the 3D Butterflies package of Minc ready-to-foil designs, which I also foiled and then attached to the card with dimensional adhesive squares.

And if you happen to notice an angled edge at the top of my card, I assure you it was straight when I photographed it. Magic, perhaps? Ahhh, the mysteries of life.

Thanks for stopping by!

Beach-Themed Card

I complain a lot about how difficult life can be. But I know two things: 1) I've been incredibly blessed...not because I deserve it but because of God's mercy and grace; and 2) other people have problems, too, and as a Christian I should strive to be like Jesus and show kindness to them.

I have no problem with the first thing on my list. I'll take God's grace anytime, anywhere (and I'm still standing only because of His mercy). But the second one is a struggle. I spend far too much time immersed in self-pity to be much like Jesus (but I hope I never stop trying).

Long story short, I wanted to show love to someone very special by sending an unexpected card.

The recipient loves the beach (as do I, and probably you, too), so the theme was an easy one. I cut the beach chair, flip flops, palm tree and umbrella on my Cricut Explore from the Life is a Beach cartridge, and the clouds were cut from the Sanrio-Hello Kitty Greetings cartridge. I tore pieces of cardstock to create the sand and water, then added some glitter to the blue cardstock to mimic ocean waves (not perfect, but once glitter is glued to paper it isn't easy to tweak if you aren't happy with the effect!) And on that note, I could have stamped the sentiment directly on the sky, but after my regrets about the glitter waves, I thought it would be prudent to stamp separately on vellum...just in case.

Thanks for visiting!