Long before I became one myself, I enjoyed watching The Golden Girls on tv. I still watch every chance I get because those ladies keep me entertained with their sassy humor and unconditional love for each other. I've seen each episode so many times that I have almost every line memorized. For some reason knowing exactly what is about to happen makes it even more enjoyable. I like to keep the show on as background noise and only look up to watch when I realize a favorite scene is about to happen. I guess when you've seen and heard it all, you only really catch the highlights.
My husband and I took a road trip recently. I love road trips. Not only do I enjoy getting away from life's responsibilities for a little while, I also enjoy having a captive audience in the car for a few hours. Most days of the week I spend at home doing what I need to do and listening to the voices in my head (and the Golden Girls, when possible). Nobody here really listens to anything I say. Except me.
While talking my husband's ear off in our confined space on our very long drive, I realized that as usual, he was tuning me out, only occasionally catching the highlights and then reacting to what I was saying.
Some days I want nothing more than to call my mom. Or my dad. Or my big sister. Those are the people I could always lean on when life got too hard. But they're not here anymore.
It gets lonely.
As Blanche Devereaux said on The Golden Girls, as she stood over her parents' graves after her father's funeral, "I'm nobody's little girl anymore."
The Golden Girls was at times poignant, heartwarming, hilarious, and quote-worthy. Another favorite quote of mine is from Rose Nylund, after Blanche's teenage grandson indicated he would like to live with the them: "It wouldn't be fair to be this old and have to raise children!" In another episode, upon receiving a marriage proposal from a rich boyfriend with young children, Blanche was hesitant to take on the responsibility, saying, "They're practically babies! Babies need a mama! Goodness, I've already raised my family. I don't have the energy to go through that again!" These quotes regarding tired, old people raising children especially resonate with me.
I'm tired. And old. And still raising children.
But this isn't really about The Golden Girls or raising children through our golden years. Today I'm talking about feeling alone.
Raising our grandchildren has, in many ways, isolated my husband and me from other couples our age...and from each other. Those with empty nests are doing things we only dream about. Also, living so far from our siblings and extended family, and not having the freedom to travel often to visit, has made us feel like strangers when we do. Sometimes those whose lives are so far away from ours--both literally and figuratively--seem to have forgotten about us or simply don't feel connected anymore. And when you get old and tired, but responsibilities are calling, your relationship with each other often becomes more about dealing with the day-to-day struggles than maintaining your romance. There simply isn't enough time or energy left at the end of the day.
As a parent, by necessity, your life can become consumed by the needs of your children. When that continues on for decades, it seems sometimes that your only purpose is to fulfill those needs to the detriment of other aspects of your life. And those children don't realize you are a human being, not a robot without emotions or needs of your own. Some days it would be nice to have another human being to talk with, sometimes even--gasp!--about your own hopes, dreams, and feelings.
I can't remember the last time someone other than my husband asked me about me. At least not in a meaningful, non-obligatory way. Occasionally I'll get the perfunctory question, "How are you?", but that doesn't really open up a dialogue. I personally can't bring myself to use that as a jumping-off point to talk about my struggles or even my few joyful moments.
But speaking of joyful moments, most of mine come at the end of a long, stressful day, when I reach out to the One who knows me and cares--my Heavenly Father. I can open up to Him about anything, and I do. I'm pretty sure that is the one and only thing that has kept me going this long. So even though it might sound like you've stepped into a pity-party, I'm really just trying to share that no matter how lonely and forgotten we may feel, there's Someone who will always be there and will always care. God loves you and He loves me, no matter how isolated we sometimes feel.
When nobody seems to see you or hear what you wish you could say, God will always be there to wrap you in His loving embrace and listen to what you can't put into words.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I'm an imperfect Christian woman, married for decades to a mostly-wonderful man, raising my eye-rolling teenage granddaughter while steering her young-adult sister into self-sufficiency against her will. I'm also Mom to two grown daughters and Nana to a kindhearted young grandson, his super-spunky younger sister, and their adorable baby sister. I blog a little about crafting and a lot about life, most importantly about the love of God and how that love can bring joy into our lives no matter what obstacles we face.
