Pileup

It has just all become a bit too much. Can I catch my breath? Please? Does it really have to be one pile on top of another on top of another on top of another...???

And the worst part is nobody understands...or seems to try.  No matter how I try to explain exactly why I can't keep going like this, it just becomes another "rant" by the crazy old lady.

Forty years. On top of the first 19, which weren't exactly a walk in a suburban park.

What other job requires their workers to give heart, mind and soul for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year...for forty years??? No vacation, no days off, no pay. And seemingly...no retirement.

My pastor, who I'm sure works very hard and is under great pressure, enjoys many spiritual retreats throughout the year. He also has several associate pastors along with a bevy of other church employees who take some of the burden off him. He even took a sabbatical a couple of years ago where he traveled extensively for a few months. I don't begrudge him one moment of it because too much responsibility for too long is too much.

I haven't had a single day off in forty years. Oh sure, my husband and I have taken a few short trips...very few...over many, many years, but there were inevitably problems at home that found their way to us before the "vacation" was over. I've even come home to a few "burglaries" and assorted other fiascoes.

Every time I think God will get me through this and I can build up strength before the next pile heads my way, I find myself suffocating under the weight of something new.

I hate feeling this way. I love my family. I wish I had boundless energy...physical, emotional and spiritual. But my batteries never get recharged. I'm literally running on empty.

Where do I go from here? Where does one go when the pressure mounts but there is no release? Why can't those around look at their own contributions to the unbearable stress and be helpful for a change, or at least not judge? Why am I expected to be Supermom, but treated as if I'm worthless and have no right to live some aspect of my life as I choose?

Where the hell is common sense, kindness and personal accountability? Yeah, I need a break. And I fear the only one I'll get will come in the form of a breakdown.

At least when that day comes they'll have to find another place to put their pile.