Rude Awakenings

I thought I knew everything about human nature. Or that at least I was good at managing my expectations based on who I was dealing with and what I knew about that person.

But then reality came calling.

My oldest grand/daughter's father passed away recently. At first my heart broke for her. I hadn't seen her father in years, and I guess I was thinking mostly about what she was dealing with. He was hospitalized for a week, was comatose, and the outcome became obvious within a short time.

Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, only a couple of people were allowed to visit him in ICU until the decision to take him off life support had been made. Once we were allowed to visit, my husband and I went to the hospital to support our grand/daughter during what would be the most heart-wrenching day of her young life.

I wasn't prepared for the emotions that hit me upon entering that room.

Once upon a time, when our first grand/daughter was born, we allowed her parents to move into our house with her. I got to know her father a little better during this time. They weren't here long and I don't remember when or why they moved out. But it was clear from the beginning--we would always be family.

Eventually our grand/daughter came to live with us permanently. Her father would come visit as much as possible. He made mistakes in life--don't we all?--but his love for his daughter was obvious. As she got older and was able to drive, he no longer came here and I lost touch with him over the past several years. There was never a question that father and daughter loved each other immensely.

When my husband and I saw him in the hospital, we were both hit with such a sense of loss...for us, for our grand/daughter, and for her mother. Here was a young man who didn't have much opportunity in life, and it was now ending. (He had been raised by his grandparents, and I don't think he saw his parents...especially his mother...very often.)

Since the visitation restrictions had been somewhat lifted due to his dire condition, my grand/daughter and her mother had reached out to his parents and half-siblings so that they could have a chance to say goodbye.

Nobody came.

He passed away the next day. His daughter stayed by his side as long as possible, but because she had made the decision to donate his organs, she couldn't stay until the very end. But she was determined to be there for him as long as possible.

After my husband and grand/daughter had made the decisions regarding burial, etc., and since an actual funeral would have to wait until people were allowed to congregate again, the funeral home agreed to a family-only viewing. Again, my daughter and grand/daughter reached out to his family to let them know the details so they would have one last chance to see him.

His mother and two of his half-siblings showed up for the viewing. We introduced ourselves as we stood outside. The mom chatted a little in a very casual way. She never mentioned her son, at least not that I heard. The siblings never spoke a word to us. It was awkward to say the least.

My entire family went into the chapel to see him as soon as we were allowed. We were all brokenhearted and struggling to keep our composure.

The viewing was only supposed to last 30 minutes. After about 15, his family finally walked into the chapel. I left, partly to comfort my younger grand/daughter who had broken down and left the chapel very quickly, but mostly to give his family some privacy.

I never saw a single tear from any of them. As a matter of fact, my husband said they sat near the back of the chapel and he overheard the mom ask, "Aren't they going to say anything? Is this it?"

The one thing she never said was, "Thank you for taking care of the final arrangements for my son." And they left shortly thereafter, never saying a word to anyone.

It became blatantly obvious that this young man who meant so much to my grand/daughter, and was still close to her mother, had never known the love of caring parents. Our hearts broke all over again. So my husband and I got some comfort from knowing that he spoke highly of us and considered us his family. But that came with regret that we didn't try harder to include him in our lives and show him unconditional love. I guess we never knew that we were the only family he felt he had.

Sometimes people can surprise you. And it isn't always good.